An article taken from “Good Game,” a magazine for the Manly Man…

Freedom or Isolation?

By Joe Schmoe

Today was the culmination and verdict of a story which has been unfolding for nearly nine years. In a dramatic and almost movie-like hearing held within the “WAR” room at Manhood Head Quarters, Christopher Siefken was deemed “unfit for duty within the ranks of manhood.”

In a hearing that lasted several hours, Christopher was bombarded with a barrage of questions covering the entire range of a man’s life. At first, Chris did very well by stating that he owns and has owned many cars that are classics, that he likes driving fast and that he frequents a local pool hall. But when asked of his upbringing and the role that sports have played over the years, it was the beginning of the end. The statement, “I didn’t play any sports in high school, I was too involved in music and drama” brought about many sighs, looks of disgust, and unbelief.

“Why were you not involved in sports?”

“I just told you why. Plus I’m just not that interested in them. I don’t play any and don’t follow any either,” Chris replied.

“But you say that you are a Boston Red Sox fan…”

“Loosely, I guess. I couldn’t even tell you the names of the current players.” With that, the committee showed such disgust that the subject changed abruptly.

When asked about other manly things such as hunting, Christopher had no interest in those either stating that “I am the furthest thing from a sportsman as you can get in almost every sense of the word,” and that his idea of shooting a deer would be to capture it on film (photography being one of his many “arts-fartsy” interests). He was also found to enjoy reading and has, on occasion, been overheard encouraging other men to read instead of spending all their time gaming.

In an attempt to find some semblance of manliness, the committee had Chris produce a list of all his personal movies. Although he had many that were on the top ten manliest films of all time, like the Godfather, the committee declared that there were just too many chick-flicks to ignore and ended up giving Chris poor marks in that department as well.

When asked of the music he listens to he replied that his tastes are somewhat eclectic. After Chris explained the meaning of eclectic, the committee sent one of its members to his car to retrieve his CD cases. With the presence of many albums containing opera and classical music, two of the committee members stormed out saying things like, “That’s enough for me,” and “Disgraceful!” Chris was even ordered to take his CD cases off the head table due to the committee members not wanting to “get opera all over their hands.”

Many committee members wanted to end it there, but the chairman refused saying that there is one more line of questioning that needs attention. With that, Chris was asked why he is not married or even has a girlfriend. He answered, “It is not because of a lack of trying. Honestly I have no idea, but I would guess that it stems from, among other things, having very high standards and an unwillingness to compromise those standards. With dating I try not to (with the emphasis on “try”) let the pursuance of pleasure drive me. Her ambition in striving to be perfect in Christ matters more to me than the size of her bra.” Chris was then reprimanded for trying to push his religion on others. It was the last straw. The Chairman held up his gavel and said “UNFIT!” letting it slam against the table. Many “high fives” were then enjoyed by the committee members before Chris was quickly ushered to the head table where he was asked to turn in his Manhood membership card, handbook, and little black book. Commotion was brought about when it was discovered that besides a series of doodlings and the number for a local pizza joint, his black book was empty. Upon relinquishing the items, Chris was then escorted out of the Manhood Head Quarters and requested never to return.

Remarkably, when we caught up with Chris, he was all smiles.

“Do you think justice was done?” I asked.

“Well, in the sense of the word and using the understood meaning of the word “manly” in this society…yes. I am, unfortunately completely unlike the typical American man in almost every aspect. This society screams that we should be ourselves and be unique until it actually finds someone who is. Someone who is unique and unwilling to follow blindly the ways of American manhood is instantly deemed “weird” or “homosexual” thus proving that their so-called open mindedness is, in fact, quite the opposite. If the penalty for being different and clinging firmly to my beliefs is being released from the brotherhood of manliness, then so be it. It actually feels like a new freedom to me.” He then started to walk away.

So I yelled, “Aren’t you afraid that your new found freedom will instead be isolation from the girls who are looking for the manly man?”

He stopped for a moment before turning around, and then said, “All I can say is I hope that the woman’s understanding of the word “manly” differs greatly from that of the typical man. But only time will tell, right?”

With that he walked away…with a big grin still on his face. Such a peculiar man— er…person…