It there a draft or is someone venting?

Today, I went to the mechanic’s shop to get an oil change for my car and they had a special going on that I was unaware of: with every oil change comes a free kick in the crotch. At least that what it feels like when you get an estimate of over 1500 bucks from the nice man who gave your car a “courtesy all-points inspection.” How thoughtful…

Now they call this a courtesy but I don’t think I have ever heard anyone say, “Wow, you just made my day! How courteous of you.” Instead, the nice man hands you a very neatly written estimate with a smile that sounds like “cha-ching” and waits while you gulp down the scream that almost escaped and opt for a more civil, and less frightening, “Holy Crap!” Upon the second look, your wallet jumps out of your back pocket and runs into the bathroom where it promptly hangs itself in the shower.

I guess I wouldn’t be so discomposed had this list contained potentially catastrophic repairs but that just wasn’t the case. It was only a couple of belts, tensioners, and a ball joint. All of which could make your day miserable, but none that would threaten your life.

I can’t say that I’m surprised by all this because I knew that buying a BMW would be a costly endeavor but it doesn’t stop me from wondering why these parts are so expensive.

Apparently every nut, bolt, and screw is specially designed by German engineers then hand made and gold plated by elves in a workshop at the end of the rainbow making each part not only rare, but magically expensive. At least that’s the story sounds the most probable to me…oy.

Another article taken from “Good Game,” a magazine for the Manly Man...

Even Without Power, It Can Still Be Shocking
By Joe Schmoe

Last night on the 17^th, a power outage disrupted the lives of hundreds of people throughout our city. Although the effect of this outage was vast, this story is not about a great many people but about one couple in particular and the disturbing scene that the outage caused for them. This story is about John and Wendy Strouss.

It started out as a normal night for the Strouss’ despite the incessant rain. Just like any Tuesday, John and Wendy found themselves once again in front of the television watching their favorite line-up of sitcoms and dramas that span the greater part of four hours. As they lovingly embraced each other in their favorite spots on their comfortable couch they found themselves, in a matter of just a few milliseconds, thrown into a situation they will not soon forget.

Without warning, the lights flickered and died taking with them the television and every electronic device within their small apartment. Suddenly, they were sitting in the dark. Suddenly, they were in a place that they had not been in a long while: a place of silence.

John recalls the first few moments, “At first we just sat there waiting. This sort of thing has happened before, the lights would go out and after a minute or so, they would come back on and all would be well again. But this time was different. This time the lights never came back and after about three to five agonizing minutes, we decided to investigate.”

John left Wendy to check breaker panels and other possible causes, but upon looking out the window, he found that no lights were on for as far as he could see.

A wave of panic came over John as he looked back to Wendy sitting in the dark. “Our lives were shattered. She kept looking at me as if she was trying to ask a question with her eyes. Usually, in times of awkwardness, I would take comfort in my playstation or computer, but now where would I turn?”

To John’s amazement, Wendy was calm and almost happy about the incident. She quickly lit some candles around the living room and sat back upon the couch and motioned for John to come and sit next to her.

John remembers, “I didn’t know what to do. No T.V., no gaming console, no computer…not even the stereo could save me from what happened next.”

John had no place to run, he had nowhere else to go but to sit next to his wife…and talk. “It was like dating again, all that talking. I thought this was a thing of the past, I mean come’on we’re married, I didn’t need to put up with this.”

As John sat next to Wendy, she wasted no time. Out came months (or years) of pent up caring and love for John to which she had become callused. She was telling him about her day and what has been happening at work along with all the things she dreams of and hopes for the two of them. Five minutes, then ten, then fifteen…it seemed to be endless. And then, the unthinkable happened in this already shocking story…she asked John what he thought, what he felt, and how he has been. John was in a complete state of panic. What was he to do? There were absolutely no distractions; there was only Wendy and her questions…and her inquisitive eyes…and…that beautiful smile… No! He was not going to give in. If he gave in now and let her know of his feelings he would be forced to do so in the future. One thing always leads to another and in a relationship, the “other” always is against the guy.

“Well,” John thought, “If I have nothing to run off to, then I will just play along until the T.V. comes back on and rescues me.”

So John played along. He answered her questions in short answers that led to nowhere…or so he thought.

Wendy, however, kept things moving with opinions and more questions and before he knew it John was involved in a full-blown conversation. How had things come to this?

Unfortunately, this reporter has no answer to this question. I wish I could tell you that John had retained his manhood by finding his hand held gameboy or PSP, but that is simply not the case. The most unfortunate part of this story is that John, sadly, never snapped out of it. The lights finally came back on as well as the television, computer, and all the other electronic comforts, then John reached over in what we thought was his first step to recovery, took the remote from Wendy’s hand and (it saddens me to say) turned the television off in order to continue talking without distraction.

This story should be a wake-up call to all of us men. It should inspire us to have portable gaming devices handy, buy generators and uninterruptible power supplies (UPS) or maybe, on a grander level, we can petition congress to outlaw such power outages. These stories are everywhere and are threatening the very state of manliness, we must be prepared and aware lest we end up like John, a man who now knows and shares his feelings, a man who is on the road to getting kicked out of manhood. This may have happened to one, but it need not happen to us all. So keep banding together, keep making fun of sniveling saps like John and keep the beer cold.

An article taken from “Good Game,” a magazine for the Manly Man…

Freedom or Isolation?

By Joe Schmoe

Today was the culmination and verdict of a story which has been unfolding for nearly nine years. In a dramatic and almost movie-like hearing held within the “WAR” room at Manhood Head Quarters, Christopher Siefken was deemed “unfit for duty within the ranks of manhood.”

In a hearing that lasted several hours, Christopher was bombarded with a barrage of questions covering the entire range of a man’s life. At first, Chris did very well by stating that he owns and has owned many cars that are classics, that he likes driving fast and that he frequents a local pool hall. But when asked of his upbringing and the role that sports have played over the years, it was the beginning of the end. The statement, “I didn’t play any sports in high school, I was too involved in music and drama” brought about many sighs, looks of disgust, and unbelief.

“Why were you not involved in sports?”

“I just told you why. Plus I’m just not that interested in them. I don’t play any and don’t follow any either,” Chris replied.

“But you say that you are a Boston Red Sox fan…”

“Loosely, I guess. I couldn’t even tell you the names of the current players.” With that, the committee showed such disgust that the subject changed abruptly.

When asked about other manly things such as hunting, Christopher had no interest in those either stating that “I am the furthest thing from a sportsman as you can get in almost every sense of the word,” and that his idea of shooting a deer would be to capture it on film (photography being one of his many “arts-fartsy” interests). He was also found to enjoy reading and has, on occasion, been overheard encouraging other men to read instead of spending all their time gaming.

In an attempt to find some semblance of manliness, the committee had Chris produce a list of all his personal movies. Although he had many that were on the top ten manliest films of all time, like the Godfather, the committee declared that there were just too many chick-flicks to ignore and ended up giving Chris poor marks in that department as well.

When asked of the music he listens to he replied that his tastes are somewhat eclectic. After Chris explained the meaning of eclectic, the committee sent one of its members to his car to retrieve his CD cases. With the presence of many albums containing opera and classical music, two of the committee members stormed out saying things like, “That’s enough for me,” and “Disgraceful!” Chris was even ordered to take his CD cases off the head table due to the committee members not wanting to “get opera all over their hands.”

Many committee members wanted to end it there, but the chairman refused saying that there is one more line of questioning that needs attention. With that, Chris was asked why he is not married or even has a girlfriend. He answered, “It is not because of a lack of trying. Honestly I have no idea, but I would guess that it stems from, among other things, having very high standards and an unwillingness to compromise those standards. With dating I try not to (with the emphasis on “try”) let the pursuance of pleasure drive me. Her ambition in striving to be perfect in Christ matters more to me than the size of her bra.” Chris was then reprimanded for trying to push his religion on others. It was the last straw. The Chairman held up his gavel and said “UNFIT!” letting it slam against the table. Many “high fives” were then enjoyed by the committee members before Chris was quickly ushered to the head table where he was asked to turn in his Manhood membership card, handbook, and little black book. Commotion was brought about when it was discovered that besides a series of doodlings and the number for a local pizza joint, his black book was empty. Upon relinquishing the items, Chris was then escorted out of the Manhood Head Quarters and requested never to return.

Remarkably, when we caught up with Chris, he was all smiles.

“Do you think justice was done?” I asked.

“Well, in the sense of the word and using the understood meaning of the word “manly” in this society…yes. I am, unfortunately completely unlike the typical American man in almost every aspect. This society screams that we should be ourselves and be unique until it actually finds someone who is. Someone who is unique and unwilling to follow blindly the ways of American manhood is instantly deemed “weird” or “homosexual” thus proving that their so-called open mindedness is, in fact, quite the opposite. If the penalty for being different and clinging firmly to my beliefs is being released from the brotherhood of manliness, then so be it. It actually feels like a new freedom to me.” He then started to walk away.

So I yelled, “Aren’t you afraid that your new found freedom will instead be isolation from the girls who are looking for the manly man?”

He stopped for a moment before turning around, and then said, “All I can say is I hope that the woman’s understanding of the word “manly” differs greatly from that of the typical man. But only time will tell, right?”

With that he walked away…with a big grin still on his face. Such a peculiar man— er…person…